How do you go back to your old life?

Before my gender transition, my interests in life revolved mainly around two things: video games and UMass basketball. In fact, I cut my teeth with internet writing on a little known message board devoted to UMass sports where we would argue over the every day happenings of a middling mid major basketball program and occasional heated political discussions in the political sub-board.

I spent an embarrassing amount of time posting over there, creating posts on that little board which I deleted long ago when I was first doxed. But when I began transitioning genders in early 2016, I mostly put my personal interests on hold for awhile.

My desktop computer broke on New Year’s Day 2017, so I could no longer play my favorite games like Overwatch or Europa Universalis IV. I also spent less and less time devoted to following the daily ins and outs of UMass men’s basketball.

People who have never been through it don’t really realize just how much work it takes to transition. Therapy, doctor’s visits, hair removal appointments, surgery prep, the surgeries themselves, the surgical aftercare, all of it takes time, and work to get through. Beyond that, it takes brain space.

And that’s just the medical side. I still had to buy a new wardrobe, find some new places to get things like haircuts, I had to come out at my job and teach HR professionals what I needed in the workplace. I had to get my legal name change which involved multiple trips to the local courthouse to file motions and attend a hearing.

I’m six year in now and I’m still not done with it all, having some facial hair removal appointments I cannot now afford left to go.

But I have gone through most of the major parts, getting my last surgical procedure in January 2020, just in time for the pandemic. But once that was over, I had to confront the fact that I suddenly had much more brain space to devote to things besides my transition and work.

The first thing to come back was the video games. I got my computer fixed and dove back into Overwatch, which I’ve chronicled elsewhere on Medium.

Seemingly the last thing to come back around was UMass. Last year, the hockey team won the national championship, and had another successful season this year. The women’s basketball team made the NCAA tournament this year for the first time since before I was a student.

The men’s basketball team had an interesting season, firing their coach before the end of the season but allowing him to finish the year. And the team darn near went on a big run in the conference tournament.

But it was the program’s coaching search which truly brought me back. Listening in on my friend CurryHicksSage’s Twitter spaces breaking down daily news about the search helped me reconnect with a lot of old memories and people I had long interacted with on the UMass message board.

At the same time, it’s not the same for me. I’m not the same person that I once was. Hell, I don’t even have my dick anymore. But some of these people have known me online for a decade or longer. They’ve all been very supportive of me personally, but it feels oddly weird to be following UMass closely again. How do I get myself back into that scene now that I’ve changed so much since I was last there?

I don’t have the answer to that question, but I’m paying attention again at least, and that’s a good start.